Posted in Poems about my Health

Despite the Medicine

So, this is another poem about struggling with OCPD. For those who don’t know me, I am a girl currently suffering from one of the more invisible mental illness, Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder. Again, this is not to be confused with OCD, which is an Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder. The primary focus of this poem is mainly on the stigma that comes with a mental illness, particularly, the intake of medications. It is one of the few things that really irritate me and basically, I just want people to understand why I need this.

Despite the Medicine
By: Anita Marie

People call me crazy
Sometimes even lazy
They say I blame the devastations of my life on illnesses I fake
But they don’t know the frustrations I have over the decisions I make

Acting out. Depressed.
Heart Broken. Or stressed.
I could go on and on about how people perceive mental illness.
I get it, it’s invisible to the eye and almost impossible to detect.
And the stigma distresses me.

For the information of some, this is biology.
Its quite similar to how Animal Farm works.
Some neurotransmitters are more equal than others.
Until one or two of them starts to take over.

For the information of many, the symptoms are similar.
It’s just like how clear water resemble alcohol.
Both bubble up when you shake them yet steadies immediately after you do.
But the difference is one can cause miracles and one can kill you.

I’ve read many medical textbooks and I refused seeing a doctor.
You’d think 10 months of denial would help put my life in order?
No. It was out of my control. And I was too scared to admit it.
I thought of a thousand possibilities of what might have changed.
Is it the stress? Am I crazy? Am I just this anxious? What is wrong with me?
How ironic, right?
That a therapist would need a therapist of her own?
Who’s supposed to teach her what she already knows?

Every time I see my doctor, she always says,
“I’m gonna give you a prescription of these meds.
But always be reminded that this is only 50% of the recovery, so don’t be too sure
That you will get better until you perform the remaining 50% for your future.”

I believed this was the little push I needed to get better in school.
But others thought otherwise and thought I was a fool.
Cause medicine for the brain is still taboo
In a society that fusses over anything new

“You know what, that girl who went through suicide? She was on pills.”
“I think that man who was crazy overdosed until he got himself killed.”
“Are you sure about this? Be careful, honey, the side effects are hard.”
“WTF! Once you start, you might be dependent on them like Clark.”

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. Reality Testing. They do help but without medicine its not the same
Because no amount of that can ever fix the imbalances in my brain.

And maybe that’s why I wrote about it.
To be honest, a mental illness cannot kill you.
But a society that stigmatizes it actually can.
Despite the medicine.