Stay

I wanted to write about how no man has ever stayed for me. It’s funny cause my friends and a lot of acquaintances have remarked on how much of a ‘catch’ I am but the truth is, it’s really hard for me to find the right partner who’ll actually stay.

Stay
By: Anita Marie

They won’t stay for me, instead,
They’ll stay for the touch my skin
They’ll stay for the smell of my hair
They’ll stay for the sound of my voice

But they won’t stay for me, because
They’ll stay for the broken girl
They’ll stay for the open minded woman
They’ll stay for the idea of her

But never for me, they would never
They’ll only stay for the attention
They’ll only stay for the sex
They’ll only stay for the cuddles in between

It’s funny how I believed they would stay
Maybe they’ll stay for my patience
Maybe they’ll stay for my kindness
Maybe, just maybe they’ll stay for my soul

But they won’t stay for all those
They won’t stay for the stories
They won’t stay for the connection
They won’t stay for the bits of me that makes me, me

He Wasn’t The Type

Attraction is a funny thing. And so is blind love. As much as I tried to be logical and reasonable, nothing could ever stop my emotions from giving in to someone 4 years my senior. Now, throw in medical school. Here, I just realized how hard it is to make space for love and how to make others make space for you.

He Wasn’t The Type
By: Anita Marie

He wasn’t the type
When he’d never completely close his doors
He’d leave a small crack
Just for me to peek through

He’d sometimes come out from that room
And sit with me while I’d go about my day

He’d probably feel reminiscent
Knowing he’d been where I have
And I’d feel hopeful and ambitious
Knowing he’s where I want to be

Sometimes the walls come down
He’d have that serious look on his face
That makes me admire him a little bit more
His eyes would show me the discrepancies in his words
And no matter how hard I looked
There was nothing but truth

However I knew he was holding back
For whatever reason, everything was toned down
And I don’t know if he’s doing it to prevent himself from hurting me
Or to prevent his words from hurting himself

Either way, he disciplines himself
From anything that keeps him out of his way

Including me
Including whatever we have

And no matter how hard I try to convince myself
With the way he looks at me like no one else does when we’re alone
Or how he makes love to me and makes me feel like I’m the only one that matters

No matter how I try to look for leads
In the way he hugs me so tightly
Or in the way he laughs at how silly I could be

He won’t stop for me
It will always come first, his dreams

And the worst part is
I’m okay with it
I’ve deemed myself crazy enough to hold on to whatever he’d give me
I’ve deemed myself naive enough to fall without the assurance that he’d catch me

And although there weren’t any promises
The hope in me still wouldn’t completely die
That someday, he’ll find that his heart is big enough
To squeeze me in together with his dreams

But what a tragedy it is indeed
He wasn’t the type

Catharsis

I once fell in love, 10 years ago. I’ve fallen in and out of love in between those years with different boys. I realized it was always him even up to today and maybe I really am crazy allowing myself to be hung up over this guy. So, this is me pleading for closure.

Catharsis
By: Anita Marie

When love does not have words
When love does not want to be known
When love does not have an answer
Is it right to despair?

If our questions lead to dead ends
And those dead ends turn out to be cliffs?
Could we take the freedom to fall off?

In a world of chaos, of ambiguity, of sin
Is it right to believe in feelings that weren’t meant for you?

For as strong as I feel for you
For as long as time have flown by

Love persists in a way I can’t seem to put to words
It thrives in places my hopes cannot follow
It shines where my dreams and ambitions cannot
And yet, it lingers in a place in my heart
Where only you have the key

It still plagues me after all this time
How I could allow someone unwilling to hold my hand
How I allowed you to steal my firsts without meaning to
It bothers me that there were no answers to all my questions
Yet you had everything figured out

That made me envious
Not because your heart was available for someone else
I was envious not because you were better off
But I was envious for the way you were able to let this die

I will never know how you’ve felt about me
If you’ve framed the past, or if I’ve crossed your mind
If there’s ever gonna be a sequel, it’ll remain a mystery

A mystery, for the longest time, I thought I could solve
I’ve sung songs, I’ve written poems
I’ve told the story over and over again
But no matter how hard I try to retrace my steps
There were no clues

There was nothing to lead me on
Yet there was nothing for me to say this was a hopeless case

For a while, I thought I was crazy for pinning after you
But I realized, you were a fool

I held off blaming you because I didn’t have the heart to
I couldn’t force you to control your feelings
But did it ever occur to you that you can’t force mine too?
That I needed answers only you could give
In order for me to live in my reality
You never gave me that opportunity

And so, I hope we’ll meet again
This time, I hope there’ll be answers

I really don’t care what kind
It could be the answer I’ve hoped for
Or an answer I wouldn’t be so happy about
Either way, at least I’d stop thinking
Of how’s, what’s, what ifs, or somedays

With that, this make-believe fantasy will crumble down
And it’ll be satisfying

Because for once, I’ll know what role I played
If I was a lead or supporting character
Or if I was a part of the story at all

I’ll know if all this poetry was worth it
If all my thoughts were worth all those years
And if this never comes to light
Then at least I could say for certain
That you were the sweetest thing I ever had to let go

Skin

This is another short poem I made a few months back. It was inspired by an intriguing conversation with a friend who had trouble getting intimate and how she tried so hard to explore her sexual side.

Skin
By: Anita Marie

I don’t know how to touch myself
My very being, smooth, soft, but scarred within
I don’t know how to keep them at bay
Should I bend or move my hips this way?

It’s confusing at most yet primal at least
A thermodynamic way to calm the beast
Heat, so much heat
And a great deal of pleasure
Coming in like waves
Hitting me with a rush of desire I cannot conquer unless I wander

A danger. A risk. An excitement
Dancing shadows in the heat of the moment.
Intoxicated with a heightened sensation
Getting the hang of a rhythmic motion

An art no painter can repaint
A song no musicians can remake
A passion no other alchemist can recreate
And a love no one can replicate

It has been called many things
Natural, most often
But it can change everything
Sometimes, all at once in a moment

How Does One Love?

Just a short poem about loving someone. Enjoy!

How Does One Love?
By: Anita Marie

How does one love?
Should we hold hands and kiss under the sun?
Or should we dance under the moonlight having fun?

How does one show that one cares?
By giving gifts worth more than money?
Or by giving quality time and treasured memories?

How does one prove one’s love?
Is it through classic poems and songs of then?
Or the warm hearted surprises that have come to trend?

But most importantly, what is Love?
Is it a feeling of wanting? Of longing? Of belonging to someone?
Or is it more than those mentioned all in one?

In love, there are many questions
But with faith, there are many solutions

How does one love?
Just with one’s heart and soul
Doesn’t really matter how
As long as you know, without a doubt, Love is there

Love Curious

I know I said I would be on hiatus but I cooked up this poem after watching a really good short film during one of my study breaks. Coming from a group of friends who’re part of the LGBTQ+ community, I consider myself an ally. And I wanted to make this poem. It’s about the universal concept of what love is while trying to emphasize that the kind of love that most people are familiar with is really no different from the kind of love people in LGBTQ+ relationships experience.

Love Curious
By: Anita Marie

I’m curious
For most of my life, I’ve always been
Or have I?

I’ve always wondered what it was like to love
How does it go? What does one do?
Does it make me fall out of it or stay true?

For how familiar love is, it still comes off as a mysterious gush of wind
You never really know whether it’s cool because of the sea breeze or because of the mountain trees
All you know is that you need it to breathe

Yet love doesn’t always come the same way a second time
The first time for most of us was probably a gentle kind of love
The one that sets our expectations, gives us directions on where to go
Prompting us to ask the right questions
Because somehow, we never do

Crazy, right?
That something we thought was true could just turn out to be a clue
A step here, a hop there, then you find yourself running so fast
You can’t tell whether the beating of your heart speeds up because of the rush
Or because of that one person who makes you gush away

I’ve been in love, maybe in more ways than one but what I know about love?
Not much
I don’t think I’ll ever know much about it in my lifetime but I can always try

To be honest, I don’t know how it begins, or how it develops
All I know is that it could end, it could evolve, and that it has power I can’t quite understand

It can be dangerous for some yet it could be the only thing that could save a person from drowning out the world
Yes, love is weird, it makes you feel
Most importantly, it makes you human

Sometimes all love is, is a leap of faith
A risk into the unknown
Sometimes it’s a trap door on a theatre stage
At times it just flows

All you have to do is to open your eyes to everything around you
We may never understand love, but at least we know it’s there
Love is love, whether you wear it on your sleeve or hide it under your skin
But most of all, for whatever you make out of it, love always wins

Hiatus

I'll be on a VERY long hiatus starting tomorrow. I'll be taking a very important exam this February and it requires my full attention to prepare for it. Don't worry. I will still make poems but I won't be as quick to post them. Expect me to be back this February 2018. While I'm gone, you can read my published works and show it some love by liking them or leaving a comment on how the poem could be better. Thank you, everyone and see you next year!

A Forgotten Home

This is a piece that describes how I feel whenever I think about my mother and the family I have far away. They're my everything and I wouldn't trade the world for them.

A Forgotten Home

By: Anita Marie

Home is where your heart resides
It's where you can be whoever you'd like and find a safe haven within
The hush of the noise, the gleam of the night lights
The little things that just makes home a home

Some live in huts, others in mansions
In homes there is dining space for a family to share
Family could be a family of six
Then again family could just be mom and you
As long as there is a reason to get together, home will remain a home

It may be a freshly bought house or an ancestral home
Yet it will always be yours to treasure
Yours to cherish and yours to endure

Life thrives at the very soul of the hearth
Spreading warmth to the coldest of hearts and light to the darkest of souls
It's where you find that spark of hope that ignites the fire of your deepest passions
And that warm hand to hold when you think you're left out to drown in the ocean

But sometimes we forget home
We forget what it's like to build make believe fortresses with the pillows we sleep with at night
It becomes all too vague how we first rode our bikes and how we embraced the number of times we fell

Sometimes home slips from our mind when we're enjoying a cup of coffee at a shop
Sometimes it completely disappears when we're dreaming about the unknown feared in the dark

We sometimes walk through our lives with the knowledge of something else other than home
But no matter how far the distance we go
Our feet will always lead us back home

Nevermind how dangerous the road back may be
Home can be the house on the next street or thousands of miles east
Sometimes you realize you never left home
Sometimes you understand that home never leaves you
For every time you choose to leave it, home will find you

Without needing a map, a compass, or a GPS
Home will find you because home knows who you are
Because whether you admit it or not, home has always been in your heart

The Subtle Fall

This poem is about my one-sided admiration of a guy who I’ve known for years. I honestly think he’s out of reach. I feel like he deserves a world so much greater than me. But late at night, I’ve  always prayed that the world he deserves, he’ll find in me.

The Subtle Fall
By: Anita Marie

I don’t know how to start
It was just a bit of a shake for my heart
He was like current
Steady, yet electrifying
And someone who just keeps you going

He wasn’t someone new
In fact, years have passed since who knew
The subtle hellos
An acquaintance at best
But lately, has somehow peaked my interest

8 hours of deep talk
Somehow got my heart locked
I never thought
Life would be so clear
Whenever he would wander near

Too near my naive heart
Threatening it to give him his part
But only I can feel
Only I can see
How strong I get when he captures me

Dear love, you drain me
My smile, my cheeks, my energy
Notice me please
And fall for me too
Cause I think I might go crazy without you

Keep still, I’m only joking
I won’t force us both into working
I pray for you to be happy
I pray you’ll be loved
That’s all I ask from our Father from above

You’re more than myself
I’ve never felt so terribly scared
Of keeping you
From what you deserve
For your heart was very well preserved

But if I may be so bold
And if your heart’s not as cold
I hope she’s me
The one you’re thinking of
I hope she’s me, your only love

Chocolates

I love chocolates. I’ve loved them ever since I was a child and my aunt always never fail to spoil me with them. So, why chocolates? Well, I just got a new bunch from my aunt and this poem will tell you how chocolates are just more than just a sweet treat to me. Enjoy the chocolates!

Chocolates
By: Anita Marie

My aunt often sent me chocolates
As a toddler, they were heaven
A reason to smile while binge eating them
I’d take a piece and savor the sugar
Then one by one I start to devour another

My aunt loved sending me chocolates
As a kid, I carefully hid my share
From itchy hands and greedy stares
How selfish I was to keep them to myself
Loving how I had to finish them all without help

My aunt really can’t stop sending me chocolates
Approaching my teens, it never bothered me
I’d eat them all without caring about my belly
My mother always told me, “in moderation”
But I can’t ignore the chocolate’s temptations

My aunt still sends me chocolates
As a teen, it was what I was known for
The crazy pink girl and a chocolate whore
But this time I learned to share with my friends
Because chocolates are better with a happy moment

My aunt sent me chocolates, again
Early adulthood, I realized was not a place for them
It’s sweet and full of innocence with a dangerous trend
It’s when I realized that life can be a burst of flavor
Definitely not like the chocolates I used to savor

But I, now, know why my aunt sent me chocolates all the time
When I hit my all time low in my young life
Lonely I was without signs of light
But chocolate was there to remind me of my childhood
The happy days of was, is, and would

My aunt was great for sending me chocolates
In happiness, they’re there to celebrate
In loneliness, they’re there to consolate
In success, they’re there to congratulate
And in sadness, they’re there to brighten my day